A loyal reader sent me this email:

Happy New Year, fatso. Congrats to Detroit on its obesity. You would think with all the fatties around, the murderers would be able to find easy targets instead of slacking off and letting Chicago take the homicide title. I’m bummed that Philadelphia dropped out of the top 5 heavyweights. My new year’s resolution is to get us back to making a run for the fat title — even if I have to do it singlehandedly. Another cheesesteak, please.

I felt it odd that I should be the one to accept the accolades for our fair region’s accomplishment, but as a public servant, I felt it my duty. I was quick to point out that after an off-year, Detroit regained the title it held from 1999-2001 as the nation’s most dangerous city. Danger is defined in terms of murder, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary, and auto theft. What Detroit lacks in murder, they make up in the other violent crimes.

Fat and dangerous. Yeah, I think it’s sexy too.