Christmas went pretty well. The haul included a couple of CDs, a magazine subscription, and a bunch of tiny condiment bottles. I’m not complaining or anything, but this was the thirteenth consecutive Christmas that went by without me getting what I really wanted — a theremin.

Every year when people see the bummed out expression on my face after unwrapping gifts, they ask the same question.

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean what’s wrong? I didn’t get the freakin’ theremin I’ve been waiting my whole life for that’s what’s wrong!”

Okay. I never have an outburst like that, but I manage to get my point across as I begin tossing everyone else’s gifts into the fireplace.

It was especially disappointing this year because I went to great lengths to ensure that I would get a theremin under the tree. This year, I had t-shirts printed up and I handed them out seventeen days before Christmas to ensure the gift-givers would have plenty of time to account for shipping (as you can imagine, Christmas is a busy time of year for theremin manufacturers). Most of you are probably thinking that the money I spent to print up 58 t-shirts could have been put towards my own purchase of a theremin, but this isn’t about common sense, this is about principle. Needless to say, I didn’t get my theremin and now I’m screwed. I already made a long list of New Year’s resolutions about starting the most kick-ass theremin quartet the world has ever seen. I thought about modelling this to be determined quartet after The Lothars, but if we are going to be even more kick-ass than them, we need to aim higher.

I hadn’t picked out a name yet, but I was leaning towards The Theremin All-Stars. I thought about spelling the All-Stars bit with a ‘Z’ to make it sound edgy, but really, what’s edgier than a theremin quartet? To make matters worse, I began sending out demos to the local establishments around town looking for gigs. I sent out copies of a Lothars CD claiming it to be a product of The Theremin All-Stars. Only me and the mothers of the guys in The Lothars know who they are, so the risk of being exposed is minimal. The problem is people are starting to call the house trying to book us. Not only do I not have a theremin or not have formed the aforementioned Theremin All-Stars, I don’t know how to play the theremin yet because I didn’t get one for Christmas. I was planning on mastering the theremin during the week between Christmas and New Year’s, but there’s always a flaw in my plans.

If there are any theremin players out there who are not yet in a band or are in band but still want to become unbelievably famous, drop me a line. Please be sure to include a sample of your work. The Theremin All-Stars don’t accept just anyone.