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Jul 30

I Would Kill Everyone In This Room For A Drop Of Sweet Beer

Comments (1) 10:00 AM posted by admin |

The Ann Arbor News is often fond of mentioning my name followed by the phrase, “who ran on an anti-tax platform.” While no city income tax was one of my talking points, I think it would be more accurate to say that I ran on an anti-hippie platform. It was for this reason I was very nervous to attend this past weekend’s 10th Annual Summer Beer Festival in Depot Town.

I don’t know what happened in this world where beer became synonymous with ultimate frisbee, drum circles, tie-dyes, and hacky sack, but it’s definitely a disturbing trend. The beer culture I grew up with was one of surly, fat guys, beer stools, dark bars at one in the afternoon, and stale pretzels.

That’s beer. That’s my America.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the beer festival and would never speak ill of it. It is one of Ypsilanti’s premier summer events showcasing our fair city, its gorgeous parks system, and everything we as a community have to offer. I try to attend whenever I can, and this year was no different.

Especially because this year I was comped.

By getting elected to City Council, I unwittingly stumbled upon the greatest loophole in political history. As a token of their thanks, the Michigan Brewer’s Guild invites everyone on Council to attend for free. That’s right. Free. I believe their exact reason for the free tickets was along the lines of a thank you for our dedication, cooperation, and all-around awesomeness. Something like that.

But it doesn’t end there. We were given VIP status too.

No one explained what VIP status completely entailed, but I used it to jump to the front of every line. To alleviate anyone’s concerns of being cut in front of, all I had to do was hold up my badge and say, “VIP.” It worked like a charm. People who have been drinking beer in the hot sun all day are agreeable to almost anything. Especially when you have something laminated hanging around your neck.

Upon seeing the badge, brewers were offering me hats, t-shirts, and mustard dip. It was literally a cornucopia of opportunities for corruption. Perhaps the best perk was when security gang-tackled some guy and I was allowed to get in a couple of kidney punches. To be fair, I got those shots in when security wasn’t looking, but no one specifically said that was not allowed. When confronted by angry onlookers, I simply showed the badge, said “VIP”, and all was forgiven.

As much as I believe in transparency in government, I can’t tell you the ultimate perk of the VIP badge. If I did, then everyone would run for Council. We simply can’t have a City run by a bunch of drunkards.

It was an honor to be among their guests.

I now realize why people like Representative John Dingell and Senator Robert Byrd have been in office for so long. Washington must be one big summer beer festival.

1 Comment »

  1. Comment by trusty getto
    July 31, 2007 @ 9:22 am


    I just heard a rumor that once they are done with the Ted Stevens search and seizure in Alaska, the FBI will be headed over to your place to confiscate your beer stash, the hats, t-shirts and especially that VIP laminated card . . .

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